A Long Distance Hike Would be Good for Anyone

After my daughter Sierra and her fiance Eben hiked the entire Colorado Trail this past summer, a total of nearly 500 miles across the Rockies, Eben requested that I show him my Continental Divide Trail multi-media show as a Christmas present for him. I wasn’t excited. It had been over a half dozen years seen I had shown it and who knew if it was even possible.

tc 81 IMG_6744When my 6th book, “Scraping Heaven” came out in 2003, I had many speaking engagements, from universities to hiking club banquets, to wellness conferences etc. We even had a special gig we performed at elementary schools where we brought a llama right into the auditorium, showed them how we packed their panniers, went through the gear that enabled our family to survive in the wilderness for months at a time (Cheryl Strayed, you ain’t got nothing over us!), talked about how a childhood spent in the wilderness impacted our children (The “No Child Left Inside” poster kids) and basically presented a family lifestyle choice that is so completely foreign to every other American family. Spending your formative years in the lap of wilderness is a novel way to grow up.

We brought our kids along to every show. Our audiences wanted to see and meet them, even ask them a question of two about how the experience impacted their lives. They never complained at all the shows. They enjoyed watching themselves grow up on the big screen, let alone relive wonderful memories. I wasn’t aware of how seeing the slide show would impact them, ten years later, when they saw it again, nor me.

Preparing to show my slide show felt monumental. My studio needed to be cleaned up of Christmas presents, my painting easel moved, and on and on. My CDT show is old school…two Kodak Carousel projectors with a dissolve unit that has a knob that is manually turned to fade in and out. All 8 songs in the show had their own timing. I wasn’t sure the 4 Carousels of slides were not ripped apart leaving behind empty slots which would show up as a brilliant white screen. I did not want to search for the missing slides if there were any. I have dozens of Carousels of shows that were put together for various audiences, besides slide boxes, envelopes, stacks on the light table I would have to look through. I am not an organized person.

I had no idea if the cassette tape will pull, if we even have a ghetto blaster somewhere that accepts cassettes. And the light bulbs, costing $35 a piece. I wasn’t even sure if there were bulbs in the projector and if the ones were broken or not.

Then, I wasn’t interested in practicing my timing. It was enough I was taking the time to even dig the equipment out. Carrying it all down the steps, moving furniture, setting up the projector screen, super imposing the slides on top of one another, trying the music, I had huge doubts that I could pull it off. I would try. That’s all I was promising.

Thankfully, a few weeks earlier, my son Bryce was interested in seeing if we could get Todd’s teenage sound system working. (Since our only portable tape player only accepted CD’s not cassettes) He wanted to buy his girlfriend a vintage-looking record player as a Christmas present and wanted to hear a few of our LP’s. When Todd pulled out the turntable to see why the speakers had no sound coming out of them, he found a mouse nest with dehydrated infant mice in it- guess the mama got dead in a trap. Bryce was grossed out and almost abandoned the quest. But we got the turntable, receiver and speakers working so that hurdle was leaped in the quest to put on the CDT slide show.

The stars were lined up. I found the correct Carousels, had two working projector bulbs, only one Carousel had about 6 missing slides which we could deal with, and the tape player worked. I put the tape on to roll through and just re-acquaint myself with the music as I did the dishes and tidied up the house. But I was shocked to what occurred as soon as I heard the music.

I began to cry. And cry harder. I couldn’t believe it. Sixteen years since we have finished the CDT, 21 years since we began, the memories came flooding back. The music brought back so many memories. When I put the show together so many years ago, I chose moody music that would also move my audiences emotionally. I used “Dances with Wolves” soundtrack to Andean pan pipes to Irish jigs. The music brought back memories of Yellowstone, crossing Wyoming’s Great Divide Basin, Glacier, being together as a family and on and on. I kept busy in the house and moving. No one noticed the tears streaming down my cheeks.

Sierra was upstairs with her fiance when the tape went on, and she too was impacted. Eben yells down, “Sierra lit up as soon as the music came on.”

Lit up. Good word choice.

The one projector’s fan screeched. “This is vintage.” Bryce exclaimed when the show began to roll and no one could believe that I had most of my timing down perfect. The kids kept saying, “Oh my God, I remember that. That was so cool and began reliving wonderful stories as the slides faded by.

It was so impacting seeing that show, spanning 5 summers of my children’s early lives. Seeing their happy smiling faces as they crossed high passes in Glacier; Bryce dancing down the trail as Todd held his little hand in his, Sierra talking to her llama Berrick, storms, campsites, river fords, so many memories, over 3,000 miles of memories and 5 summers. Some of the most important moments of our lives were being relived on that lit up screen. The strongest feeling we were all left with was how very happy we were out there. Much more than happiness- outright joy.

How could my children’s childhoods be over so quickly? Sierra is getting married in 2015 and much of the talk over the holidays at our home revolved around wedding plans. Their childhood is over.

During this holiday season, our family of 4 long distance backpackers also went to see Cheryl Strayed’s movie “Wild.” The two highly seasoned LD hikers (Todd & I) had different things to say about the film than the two “children.” But it got our wheels turning.

Under the Christmas tree were two sets of trekking poles, believed by nearly all LD backpackers to positively help you backpack better and more efficiently, as in taking ½ a mile an hour off your time, as well as assist your knees and other body parts in taking the blow of descending etc. We are going to embrace “lightweight gear” as much as we can. I am not willing to be cold and wet, however just to carry an extremely light pack as opposed to laboring under 40-50-60 pounds. (I once labored under 70 pounds as I climbed Mt Whitney and headed into the snow-smothered, inaccessible trail for over 225 miles on the John Muir Trail.) But in the future, I will attempt to achieve a balance. We do want to long distance hike again. (For those of you who do not personally know our history, we have been long distance cycling and paddling these last 10 years as well as world traveling- I have been to 39 countries). But we miss the long trails. We can thank Cheryl Strayed for reminding us of that. And my CDT slide show.

The plan is to hike the John Muir Trail in 2015 as a family. Bryce just announced that he’d like to hike the whole PCT in the next few years. I was quite surprised. I said,

“That would be good. It would be good for you.”

And he said, “It would be good for anyone, wouldn’t it?”

Yes it would son, even for two 10,000+ milers who are 50 something (with one to be 60 next year). I ought to do something to usher in the next decade right. Maybe re-hike the PCT in big chunks starting with the John Muir Trail, Todd suggests.

Long distance hiking would be good for anyone. Seeing “Wild” and reliving my CDT slide show for the up and coming new member of the family illustrated that. But then again, this family already knew that.


Watching the slideshow of our hike across the CDT/Colorado Trail, was in many ways, a double return to my childhood. Memories of the trail, riding my llama, the rich smell of crisp mountain air and the approach of thunderstorms were lifted from my memory. At the same time, I was brought back to the decade afterward that I followed those memories around to slideshow and talk after slideshow and talk that my mother gave. The repetition somehow made the memories richer, deeply embedded them inside of me, and that part of me ached and came alive again as the pictures flashed across the screen. Although I was a child, somehow it feels like yesterday.”


It has been a couple of decades since I kicked back in my dad’s child carrier backpack, and he carried my diaper-clad bum over the Rockies. 17 years have passed since we finished up the Continental Divide, as I graduated from backpack to llama, to tandem bicycle. Since then I have graduated from a string of other accomplishments, including Tyler School of Art in Philadelphia, and the CDT has been placed on the back burner of my memories.

Watching the fluttering light of the projector, I entered a time warp. Each slide seemed to recover a submerged memory, sending me deeper with the rhythmic clicking of the slide carousel. It was a stirring experience. Sierra and I laughed at the images of us dancing impishly on riverbanks, and marveled at the sweeping beauty somehow captured in the pre-digital era. We noticed subtle changes we had never noticed before, the grayness creeping into Dad’s night-black beard.

Now, 20 years whiter but no less of a mountain man, Dad manned the tape cassette player, grumbling as he punched at the dials. (because he couldn’t see the dials w/o his reading glasses)  Sierra and I remembered the songs from when we joined Mom at presentations; they felt like the soundtrack to our childhood. Mom still had the pacing timed with precision. As the final melody concluded, we cheered, though we were reluctant to leave the Rockies behind and return to 2014. I was reminded of the song The Circle Game, where Joni Mitchell sings “we’re all captive in a carousel of time.” Certainly my childhood is imprisoned on my Mom’s dusty slide carousel, but it’s nice to know I can revisit the flickering memories whenever I choose.

Reflections on Tossing and Getting Tossed as the New Year Approaches

I only ever tossed one friend in my life. At the time, I viewed it as more or less as “shelving” not out right permanently tossing.

My GF was bio-polar and occasionally went off her meds. One day, I met her in my driveway as I was heading to an out-of-state writer’s conference, extremely late. She pulled up and got out of her vehicle, visibly agitated.

Where’s Sierra?” she demanded.

In the house. What’s wrong?”

A lot. We need to talk right now.”

I explained that it was impossible and to call me later that night to share what was on her mind. She was being very cryptic about the topic but was angry and very upset.

I left but my GF did not. She found my daughter inside our home, got in her face with a pointed finger and proceeded to yell at her for nearly half an hour. She told her what would happen to her at Temple University where she was heading in only a week or two as a freshman.

My GF’s son attended the same school and made very poor choices while he was there- became addicted to drugs, slept with a prof, got in trouble with the law. It wasn’t the university’s fault nor the city of Philadelphia’s fault and his choices had absolutely nothing to do with my daughter.

In an attempt to get away from my friend, Sierra ran out of her home, into the forest and hid there sobbing until my GF left. Sierra tried to call me, her father at work, many family friends trying to get help.

I was pretty upset when I found this all out. I know that a person’s tongue responds to the condition of their heart and I knew this was about my GF’s personal pain and fears. My GF soon realized what she did and wrote a 6 page letter of apology. I didn’t need to forgive her, I already had but I did want some space. Sierra and I both felt raw.

Time got away from me and after 1 ½ years, I heard that my GF hung herself. The pain in her heart and in her life exceeded what she could handle. I felt partially responsible. No one commits suicide if they feel loved and needed. I vowed that I would never do anything even remotely similar to tossing a friend again, not even part-time.

Interestingly, when I look back on 2014, the thing that stands prominently out is tossing. I was tossed multiple times.

At this time last year, I was deeply involved and committed to a veteran’s organization that helped struggling veterans transition from the war by hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. I became the director’s assistant and dedicated much of my energy promoting the organization and writing about it. But he derailed in a mean and hurtful way and so I was led to begin my own organization, River House PA for hurting veterans. I believed that I knew a lot about the healing peace found in the natural world and had dedicated my life to pursuing it and writing and encouraging others to do the same. But through this process, I lost two very good friends of over 25 years, for reasons, I am not sure of.

No matter how many times I apologized for the possibility of hurting them unintentionally, my friends have decided that their lives would be better with me not in it, as I decided of my bi-polar GF years ago. I must honor that. We cannot be expected to change who we are after decades.

My kids say I needed to get rid of a few to make room for all the new veterans who have come into my life but I don’t buy that. There is room in a person’s heart for everyone. My kids question if this new endeavor of helping veterans is responsible for losing my long-term friends and if it is worth it. Sometimes, I allow that thought to pass my mind and wonder what I am doing. I am very glad that none of them ask me what I think about war and killing and all that horrible stuff, these new friends who are usually conservative Republicans. I am glad we never go there. I read over a dozen books about what happened in the Middle East and what is happening to these suffering Veterans now and I have even less of an understanding of WHY and if it was worth it and is still worth it, when I see what it has done to our young people.

But thankfully, no one is asking me. My family and I (as well as all of River House PA’s supporters) believe we know how we can be of help to them. By taking them out into nature- in a boat, on a trail, by a campfire, and allowing the peace of the natural world help soothe them. I’ve spent my whole life discovering the natural world and writing about it so others can learn too. With my children grown, River House and my veterans seems like a very good purpose.

I see some of my blog subscribers discontinued following me. I figure they grew fatigued of hearing about the plight of our veterans. But they who have nightmares every single night over and over or who struggle with learning how to live without limbs, they don’t get much of a break. The least we can do is be there in the darkness with them and try to lift them towards the light. Sometimes I go to bed feeling very sad and think that I spent 58 years being a happy positive person and this doesn’t feel good but they aren’t feeling good either.

So here at the turn of the year, I am reflecting on tossing and that empty feeling of abandonment but also the uplifting feeling that we can work together to make it better. With 22 veterans committing suicide a day, if I can buoy even one of them up enough to not feel hopeless and alone and learn of a place in nature where they can find peace, to be a friend, then it is worth it. I do miss my friends and wish I could bring them back, especially the impossible one who decided to toss it all.

Shopping for a Wedding Dress

Mom's wedding dress on SierraIMG_9576

It is one of those epic moments in a girls’ life and a mothers…shopping for a wedding dress. I thought I might be able to save Sierra the trouble of finding and buying one and dug out my own 30-year-old wedding dress for her to try on.
“You can cut the sleeves off and the collar and change anything you want if you like it.”
She was gracious. “It was a great dress for you mom, but it’s not quite my style.” That was fine. I wanted to at least offer my dress, as did my best friend from childhood and the family friend down the street. My son, Bryce did not mince his words. “It looks like you’re wearing a curtain.” Someone else said I look like I’m starring in a western movie.

And so Sierra gets home from grad school four days before her fiance and the task at hand is to find a brides dress. The wedding will be held two weeks after the semester ends in May and living in Boulder makes it impossible to shop any other time but this Christmas holiday.

Our first day of shopping, we went to 5 bridal stores. She tried on about 8 dresses in each one. Many were hideous. Most of them were huge and the attendants clasped the fabric together with huge plastic clips down her back, giving her the illusion of fitting. Except for the boobs. The fabric gaped open and Sierra is far from flat chested. Nothing could be done right now about the gaping boobs. The bridal stores buy them large to accommodate more brides. That doesn’t help if you want to truly see how it will fit. “We can make the dress fit you, don’t worry.”

She was worried. Some said she would have to come back for three fittings. That wasn’t going to happen in Boulder or sit well with the budget. She wanted to buy a dress that fits NOW.

All the bridal shops were different. One lady was alone in her tiny shop and on the phone the whole time and left us completely alone. Another large shop told me needed to sit down in a parlor area and she would go alone into the dressing room with my daughter. I said, “I’d like to come in too.”
She said, “That’s not normally our policy.”
Tough shit. Sierra tried on 5 dresses in there and immediately took off every one, she hated them so. I would have been sitting out there and never saw her model a single one.

On the way home that first day, Sierra felt weepy. I told her this was supposed to be fun. I told her this was not supposed to create stress. But you learn a lot brides dress shopping- about yourself and who you are.

Sierra was not poofy. She was not heavy with a long satin trail that felt like an albatross and hindered you from dancing lightly around the dance floor. She was not sequins and pearls nor expensive.
“The dress must be under $500,” she’d announce as soon as she introduced herself to the clerk.
“And I like simple. My favorite style is a halter and I prefer ivory.”
That narrowed the search down rather radically. Now wonder after 5 shops we had struck nearly completely out.

There was only one dress that she found that she could possibly be content wearing to get married in. It did not excite her at all. It was just okay.
“I think your wedding dress should be more than just okay,” I told her.

We spent all that night looking at dresses online on the computer, which felt scary thinking about ordering one sight unseen but we may be reduced to that. We found multiple ones that looked gorgeous on the models but that is deceptive. The next day’s search would be in a different city- Allentown.

David’s Bridal is like the Wal-Mart of bridal stores. The internet was full of complaints about them but the dresses we loved on the computer were David’s dresses. Some were online only- others shop only- others still- both. The ones Sierra and I loved were supposedly both. She found one in particular that she adored and I saw another that was my absolute favorite. We were excited.

But at the shop, we were fortunate to find Sierra’s favorite (my second favorite) for only $250, but to hem it would cost $120. To sew a bustle onto the back, another $75.To take up the halter top, another $75. They said Sierra needed a long lined bra and that cost $55. And Sierra was concerned she looked a bit “hippy” in it. This had been her favorite online but on your body can be another story.

We decided to try out another shop close by and then have lunch and mull it over before buying it.

Shop #7 was a strike out with not a single dress worth trying on. They told us however, to check out Bella’s across the highway. Bella buys all of David’s discontinued styles and theirs.

When we drove over to the shop, it was closed in the middle of the day. That’s strange. A scribbled sign on the door said to call the owner, which we did from the parking lot. She answered her phone and said she would be there at 3 to open up. On the store front was a hand written sign said, “Wedding Dresses- as low as $50.” We were excited.

When 3 o’clock came, Bella pulled up on the grass and waved to us from the driver’s seat. She unlocked the door and said, “I’ll go turn on the heat.” It was cold inside like a warehouse.

There were rows and rows of dresses. Sierra announced, “I’m looking for a discontinued brides dresses.”
“That’s every one in the shop,” she assures us.
Sierra says, “I’m looking for dresses under $500,”
“That’s every one in the shop.”
“I’m looking for dresses that are size 8-10.”
“That’s nearly every one in the shop. Enjoy yourselves.”

There were hundreds of dresses, packed so tightly. Sierra and I found about 10 worthy of trying on and then I saw MY favorite (Sierra’s 2nd favorite) from the internet the night before. I couldn’t believe it. She tried on the dress and it fit like a glove. It was exquisite. She looked exquisite. “I love it,” I said. “I love it too,” she said. And our eyes locked and we knew this was the dress.No need to even try on the rest.

When we asked about altering she said she was a lot cheaper than David’s but when we finally noticed the dress’ hem we saw that it just touched the floor and with a small heel would be perfect. This perfect dress was already hemmed to Sierra’s height. No bridal dress comes already hemmed- all need altering.

“Was this dress worn before?” I asked.
“It was returned,” she said, “but never worn. Wealthy brides buy multiple dresses and they don’t always wear them all.”
“Are you kidding?” I ask.
“They buy three and have them all altered. One is worn for the wedding, another at the reception. This dress was purchased as the cake-cutting dress but the bride didn’t get around to putting on. A bride can’t return a dress at David’s so they bring them in here.”

A cake-cutting dress…who knew.

There was a disappointed bride in the shop while we were there who had brought in her $1200 dress to see what Bella would give her for it as her wedding got “canceled.”

But what a stroke of luck for us. Sierra’s dress did not even need hemming- unheard of. The dress of both our dreams for $300.

On the way home, Sierra said, “I got my dress, Mom, and it’s so beautiful” and we were indeed a little weepy. This indeed was a moment in a girls and a mother’s life.

Feeling Whole Again



(Raymond Kusch on left and Jack Knouse on right)

Wounded Warrior (WW) Raymond Kusch picks out a leg prosthesis and an accompanying foot like a woman might make a shoe selection, depending on her activity level and function. He has nearly a dozen to choose from but today he’s selected one that is suitable for a bear hunt.

We’re up in the mountains of Potter County, Pennsylvania, “God’s Country” as it is affectionately called with a non-profit organization called LEEK. LEEK orchestrates about 5 hunts a year for America’s Wounded Warriors. It is one of many organizations who offer the gift of an outdoor experience to those who gave so much for us.

Missing limbs are not an issue for LEEK’s Wounded Warrior guests. Trackchairs transport the WW over fallen tree limbs, across rocks and wet areas, up and down steep slopes and right into wide, carpeted blinds where they can be pretty near certain to harvest an animal. There are also Kawasaki Mules and Yamaha Rhinos ready to cram WW, volunteers, bird dogs and guns into.

The WW feel comfortable with a gun in their hands, for it is an extension of their arm. The Range House has wide open windows that swing open and face a variety of targets, from 25 yards to 800 yards. The WW practice here, getting used to their gun, as the WW fresh out of Walter Reed, does not come with his own hunting rifle. They come with little more than their personal clothing.

There is a wide array of boots, coats, long underwear, socks, orange hats to select from.  Guns are provided, ammo, and licenses courtesy of the Pennsylvania Game Commission. Delicious meals cooked up by a wide array of local volunteers for the days they are residing at LEEK.

“We don’t want the Warriors to worry about anything,” shares Ed Fisher, retired Army Colonel.  Ed, and his wife Kate along with many volunteers, created LEEK seven years ago to provide injured serviceman and women a way to enjoy therapeutic outdoor recreational activities regardless of their physical condition. The all-volunteer run facility grew from 256+ acres to now having 31,000 acres at their disposal for hunting purposes. LEEK knows the life of an out-patient WW is hectic and full of meetings, appointments, therapies, operations, etc. They come on a LEEK hunt for a much-needed break.

Raymond had never hunted in his 20 something life until his wife decided to help her husband out of his slump and applied for as many outdoor mini adventure programs that are being offered our WW.

Ray has been deep-sea fishing in Cancun, whitewater rafting in Idaho, turkey hunting in Kansas and now bear hunting in Pennsylvania. “Anything to take me away from the hospital,” Ray says, “but especially being out here in nature.”

“It’s a little uncomfortable at first, arriving at LEEK from Walter Reed and not knowing anyone. I was an extroverted person before I blew up, which helped.”

“I was a sniper in Afghanistan, stepped on an IED (improvised explosive device), flew ten feet in the air and landed 15 feet away on my back. I watched my leg evaporate into pink mist.”

It’s difficult to tell that Ray is missing a leg. He limps a bit, trips some. This morning Ray demonstrated how the socket of his prosthesis has a seal-in liner and pushes out the air to make a tight seal. The foot inside his hunting boot is a rubber shell around a carbon fiber foot.  While we hunt, we sit together at our stand and wait for the LEEK volunteers to put on a drive through the thick clear cuts nearby, hoping to flush out a bear. I have his back, standing behind his tree, watching in a direction that is difficult for him to see. We talk some but mostly share the morning, feel the same cold breeze rushing up from the valley, hear the same raven calling, the same tree branches creaking. We both are on high alert, scanning the land before us.

The WW can rise before dawn and get in position for a hunt or decide to sleep in and fish instead or just relax. “It’s the WW’s hunt. It’s whatever they want to do,” says volunteer Jack Knouse.

Jack is now a volunteer but three years ago, he was in Raymond’s position- a guest, recuperating from a war-related injury. Jack is currently in the National Guard and you can usually find him at most LEEK hunts, giving back.

Once the WW scores a deer or turkey or other game, LEEK volunteers busy themselves in the processing center- gutting, skinning, quartering, packed up etc. so the WW can go home with his treasure that same day. They even send the meat out for processing and have it made into bologna or kielbasi, and shipped home. If a WW is on a tight schedule to get back to the hospital, they can turn it around in twenty minutes!

There is also a black powder deer hunt, spring gobblers and always pheasants. LEEK is licensed to raise the birds and volunteers bring their hunting dogs to help with the harvest. LEEK orders 300 day old chicks and typically releases 25-30 birds out a hunt. The harvested birds get divided up and all WW go home with meat. Last year, LEEK obtained a Regulated Hunting Ground Permit and puts on hunts from September 1- April 30. Seventy stands and blinds pepper the acreage as well as a well-stocked pond to fish.

After six hours of hunting and multiple drives, and still no bear, Ray relaxes and moves around talking freely to me. He shares his disappointment with what is currently happening in Iraq, worries for the village people who became his friends, wishes he could go back and help them. He then apologizes for his tirade but I tell him, that’s what we’re here for, to help, whether that means listening for a black bear to scurry through the autumn leaves or to a WW share his heart.

I ask Ray if sitting with a gun in hand and hunting brings on flashbacks from Afghanistan, for his job was a sniper before “he blew up.” No, “I like being in the woods.” He is happy out here.

Ray limps a bit more on our way back to the vehicle. “I try not to let my prosthesis get in the way of living.”

Yesterday’s hunt was on steep terrain, crossing creeks and Ray performed like a star. “Some days I am stuck in my chair. That occurs when I acquire sores on my stump, or I need a new prosthesis, for my limb will atrophy over time and shrink and need a new socket.”

“Using a prosthesis is very hard on your body. It stresses out my back, my whole body. I favor my good leg and will ultimately damage it. In the future, I will be confined in the chair, but for now, I can get around. I want to stay out of it for as long as I can.”

“These trips are good for taking me out of my comfort zone. It forces me to be independent. No one should live in a hospital. It’s depressing. Being in the woods, with a gun in my hands, I feel like I’m not broken anymore.”

Cindy Ross http://www.riverhousepa.org

River House PA- Helping Veterans Heal through Nature



a version of this will appear in “Turkey Country” Magazine- the National Wild Turkey Federation’s Magazine

Becoming Airborne Again


I like to think that things happen for a reason. I like to think I’m usually on the right path in life, that I’m being guided by Divine Providence. And things are all good. I had serious doubts however, this past October when I attended the Appalachian Long Distance Hikers Gathering at Williams College, MA. I was so unbelievably scattered. I was giving multiple presentations and I could not keep track of my shit. I left my car keys, my jacket etc at multiple places around campus and spent much of my time walking all over town and campus to look for them. I was growing ever more disgusted with myself when I lost my purse. It had my wallet and credit cards in it and I was departing for a trip to Turkey very soon. I have always been forgetful but moving into menopausal years has taken this lifelong flaw and blown it up.

After hours of searching, I gave up and began the long drive home, completely disgusted with myself. But it occurred to me that although my comrades that I was staying with searched our hotel room itself, perhaps the front desk might have had someone turn it in. They did. I turned around and began to drive the half hour back to the hotel. Out of the many hundreds of friends at the event that were concerned for me and my lost purse, I only chose to call one- Travis Johnston, to share the good news.

Travis was an Airborne Ranger who just got off hiking the entire Appalachian Trail to “walk off his war” and for the memory of his fallen Airborne Ranger brother, Zach Adamson. Zach hiked the whole AT in 2013 and then four months later was found dead from a gunshot wound to his head. His death rocked the whole AT trail community as well as all those close to Zach. Besides hiking the trail in Zach’s memory, Travis orchestrated a memorial climb up McAfee’s Knob in Virginia for Zach, which I made a YouTube video on.

The 6 month long hike proved to be very good for Travis. His Ranger friends watched his transformation through the many happy photos that he posted on Facebook. Spending all that time in nature, walking, was visibly healing Travis’s heart wounds. And as soon as he climbed Mount Katahdin, his friends began calling, looking for help, hoping for counseling, “Do you think hiking would work for me too?” Travis and I sat over lunch and he told me of a dream he had to be counselor/therapist as an occupation. But instead of sitting on some couch in an office, they would have their session in a canoe on a river, or on a trail in the woods. And perhaps my non-profit organization, River House PA would benefit from his gift someday, leading my veterans and being a part of our mission.

Travis does possess a gift. Extrovert by nature, (unusual for long distance hikers) he is a people person but has a command of the language and articulates very well what he is trying to get across. And he talks veteran’s language. I don’t have to go into detail what Ranger language sounds like. He doesn’t take any bullshit. He was in a leadership role in the military and he knows how to delegate. But his heart is as wide as the ocean. And he is not afraid to shed tears, or hug or tell you flat-out, “I love you, man.” This is exactly what these struggling veterans need, and some direction on how to pick themselves up and find some happiness and peace in their civilian life.

One of his Ranger friends, who is presently struggling happens to live in Pennsylvania. Travis planned to go visit him on his way south from Massachusetts to Savannah, Georgia. I told him to let me know WHERE in PA his friend lived. PA is a very large state, but just maybe he was down the road and Travis could stop in and visit us en route.

So when I called Travis to tell him the good news of the lost purse, he said “Hey, I just found out where my friend lives, in Reading, PA.”

Wow, I said, “pretty weird. That is ‘right down the road.” I grew up there.

So besides the gift of the purse, I had Travis’s company and could give him a ride all the way down to PA.

(When I told my daughter Sierra this and told her there was a REASON that I lost it, she said, ‘Nice story mom, but you still have to become responsible for your shit.”)

Travis came back with me and I gave him my car to go see his friend but I got an idea. His Ranger friend was becoming a recluse. Staying in his home, where he lived alone, for months without going out. He was very depressed and felt as though he was living a nightmare. He suffered from back and knee pain because on his last jump, his chute collapsed and he hit the earth from 120 feet up with no shoot.

Then he proceeded to come home from deployment and had a motorcycle accident where he “stopped his bike with his head.” For the next three years, he was in eight different hospitals, psychiatric wards, rehab centers, trying to get better.

I told Travis to go fetch him- bring him up to our log home, get him out of the city, his home and his head. It was a stretch for him but he trusted his Ranger Leader Travis and he packed his overnight bag and came.

We took Airborne Ranger Danny Stein up to Hawk Mountain Sanctuary for a hike to see if his body could handle the hike and it was okay. The hike in the beautiful autumn woods did him good. There were people there counting hawks and although we sat over to the side, he had a short anxiety attack where he had to hold onto our hands and squeeze them until he felt calm and safe again.


We made a campfire and cooked dinner. We acted as though Danny was part of the family and no different from anyone else. The men slept in my writing cabin- the first time our Danny was away from the security of his own home and bed for a long time. He did okay. He stayed for two nights and two days.

When Danny left, he paused at the door and abruptly turned around and said, “October 15. I will never forget this day for as long as I live. Because on this day, a family reached out to me, who never met me before and welcomed me into their home and that has never happened before, and because of that, I will never forget this day.”

I was holding back the tears when I threw my arms around him for yet another hug. My goodness. This is easy, having people over and welcoming them into our home, feeding them, getting to know them. We do it all the time. And lately with veterans.

I told Danny that I was going away for a few weeks to Turkey but I would call him when I returned and take him for a walk in Reading. (He cannot drive right now as he had a seizure and must wait many months before getting behind the wheel again.) He told Travis and I that everyone forgets about him and I did not want to be added to that list of those who just give lip service.

Since I returned from Turkey, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the business end of my non-profit organization, River House, which was not my forte and I needed a secretary to take notes, compile a list of e-mails etc, etc. Danny said he would love to help. I would love to have his help. We made a great team.

He stayed at the house for two days and two nights. I got him on a longer more strenuous hike to see how his back and knees held up. I would like to get him to the point where he could go out for a backpack trip. He was OK with it, took some Ibrofrofin.

Danny fetched hay with my husband, which was big to trust being in his company. We took him to Sam’s Club and he food shopped and made healthy food choices and talked and laughed with the check out girls. We played Rummy at the kitchen table. He said that interacting with three other people in close quarters was a huge step for him.

He needed help to play and I looked over his shoulder to help him with his hand. He said, “I forget what I’m doing, what cards are in my hand, on the table,” and I felt like I have found a kindred spirit when it comes to forgetting. When I couldn’t find something on my desk, I was complaining to Danny, “I’m losing my mind,” and he brought me back to reality and responded, “I HAVE lost part of my mind” as Danny sports an impressive 12 inch long curved scar on his skull, clearly seen through his hair. Danny aligns my perspective 

We teased him. We told him to get used to this, he was going to do more of it. More experiences, more people to meet, more time in nature…but small steps. We didn’t baby him nor feel sorry for him. I would like to pick him up every week and take him with me in my life.

Danny was sitting at my desk, working on River House material when he said, “You know, this organization could really take off. There is a real need for this.”

I know that. When people ask if they can come see the actual physical River House I give them the “build it and they will come” speech. If I had a River House now in Port Clinton, my Ranger here could help run it, he could live there and be with like-minded comrades. He could be helpful and useful and be productive and feel needed because he is, even now. That is the secret of helping them get better, finding a purpose, besides showing them how nature heals.

When my husband Todd and I were in the Florida Keys for our anniversary last year we met a psychologist on the ferry, and we got to talking about River House. She has been working with veterans with PTSD her whole life. And she said to me, “It is extremely rewarding work, because they get better.”

Yes, they certainly can get better. I hope to catch one or two so they don’t have their lives cut short like Ranger Zach Adamson. I have seen my Ranger friend get better in only two short visits. It is completely remarkable how much better he seems, something that can’t be faked nor imagined.

I do get frustrated because I had to cancel some of River House’s programs this past summer because I couldn’t motivate the veterans to sign up. But I have my faith restored. I can help, even if it is only one veteran at a time. The change occurred in me on our walk yesterday. My son grabbed a wild grape-vine and went for a swing. And after watching a few times, Danny grabbed the vine with his hands, tested it to see if it would hold his weight, trusted it and swung out over the mountainside, catching air. He was laughing. He was being playful. He was Airborne again.

(see related story/video)

A Journey of Remembrance – YouTube13►:13

COMING HOME- In Honor of Veteran’s Day


Coming Home

We’re Safe Here Because They Cared Enough to Go There.

(page 1 of 3)

This November it is an honor to tell the stories of three local veterans. Each of their experiences of life after deployment is unique. Each carries its own weight and meaning about the aspects of coming home again. Let us be forever mindful that stories like these are being told across the nation by the hundreds of thousands who have served.


National Guard // Emmaus

Erin Roe was not exactly sure why she was going into the military back in 2002. She was quite young, so young her father had to sign for her, just 17. A recruiter called her home while she was still in high school. It seemed like an okay thing to do, joining the National Guard, besides her best girlfriend was also signing up. It was 374 days after 9/11. Many young people signed up during that period. While she was serving in the Guard, she got married, had a son and then—she was deployed to Iraq.

She was trained as a light-wheel vehicle mechanic and serviced BRADLEES, a tracked vehicle, in the Habbaniyah area of Iraq. This was an old British base with palm trees located in the Suni Triangle, on a Forward Operating Base (FOB).

Roe was shot at once, but did not see any action, although mortars were thrown into the FOB from time to time. She participated in many convoy runs.

Her son, Neal, was eight months old when she left and was two years old when she returned. He lived with Roe’s parents, who raised him while she was deployed. She called every Sunday.

“I set myself up for failure, getting married and having a child so young, getting divorced, but I overcame what was put in front of my face.”

Roe doesn’t know how she would have dealt with being away from Neal had he been older at the time of deployment. At least at that age, he doesn’t remember the time apart. For Roe, however, it is burned into her brain and has been one of the toughest things she has dealt with since coming home.

Re-entry. Going from a tight-knit group of brothers and sisters in arms, who share the same concerns back to civilian life where people in Walmart are more concerned with buying things and being consumers. Going from being told what to do and when to do it, to being in charge of your life, your child.

Roe struggled with her son’s natural rejection as he clung to his grandparents. It took several years of readjustment until they settled into a comfortable mother/son relationship. Roe claims to be nurturing only to a point, but more of a provider.

“Neal is way more love-y and homey than me. He gets that from his grandmother, who raised him those years away. From my father, who is a lawyer, he gets drive and ambition. I tend to adopt the ‘suck it up’ and ‘keep moving’ attitude,” Roe admits.

Neal received all the family’s good traits during those years, all mixed into one young boy. Roe’s family was Neal’s extended village. “I think he is better off,” Roe says.

Today, Neal is very proud of his mother. His eyes particularly shine on Career Day when she arrives at his school in uniform and explains what it’s like to be in the National Guard, serve her country and be deployed to the Middle East.

“You did such a good job,” he praises her, “they loved you!”

The recruiter did such a good job on Roe that she became a recruiter herself as an occupation once she returned home. Now she sets up table displays during lunch periods and calls high school students from lists to encourage them to join the National Guard. She serves the Allentown, Whitehall and Northwestern Lehigh schools. Lately, she recruits more women than men. She is a good example.

“What is wonderful about the military is that you can be from any walk of life, any nationality, etc., and you can fit in, have genuine comrades who will look after you. I love the military. The friendships you make are phenomenal. ”

“People still want to serve their country and so the National Guard appeals to them. They enjoy the college tuition benefits, the close to $600 a month you can make from working only two days a month, and today, odds are very slim that you will get deployed. But you never know, there is risk involved,” Roe says.

Roe does not believe in allowing fear to control her life.

“I learned a lot in the military,” Roe says. “I still struggle being surrounded by people who don’t appreciate all they have, who mosey through life staring at their smartphones, who don’t live within their means nor look out for one another. The military taught me to be so appreciative.”

That alone is a huge gift.

Roe plans to become a “lifer”- stay in the National Guard for 20 years. She’s presently majoring in business at Kutztown University and recruiting students based out of the Allentown Armory. She’s pretty good at it. When you believe in something as strongly as she does, you can be pretty convincing. If she wasn’t quite sure why she went into the military back at 17, as she is quickly approaching 30, she’s rock-solid sure about why she is staying.


Coming Home

We’re Safe Here Because They Cared Enough to Go There.

(page 2 of 3)


Army & National Guard // Bethlehem

Even though Bethlehem’s Brandon Zittrer served in the Middle East for three-and-a-half years as an Army cavalry scout, when you meet him, it is hard to find a happier, more grounded man. This is most unusual, as Zittrer was conducting reconnaissance and surveillance missions and saw a lot of action. He returned home in 2009, has been in the military for a total of 11 years and is currently serving in the National Guard.

The transition home was not a big one for Zittrer, contrary to most veterans. One of his supervisors suggested that a soldier will probably acclimate better if he or she can differentiate between THEN and NOW. Easier said than done for most veterans but for Zittrer, he was already blessed with the right frame of mind before he entered the military.

“I am the make-the-best-of-a-bad-situation type of guy. I have done without, on foot patrols in Iraq. No day was ever easy over there but attitude is the most important,” says Zittrer.

Not an emotional guy, Zittrer has a light switch in his psyche that he can turn on and off. He says that’s how he was able to cope and perform well while being deployed.

Upon his return to the Valley in 2009, Zittrer was given the assignment of bestowing Military Funeral Honors. In full dress blues, he sometimes attended seven to ten funerals per day. Over the course of 18 months he participated in more than 1,200 services and says he felt privileged to do so.

“It was an amazing job and it was an honor to do it well.”

Life at home includes marriage to his Freedom High School sweetheart, Brandy, and being a role model to his 11-year-old stepson.

Zittrer transitioned slowly from bestowing Funeral Honors to starting his own business, a company that does all aspects of residential construction such as stonework, tile, hardwood floors, remodeling and refinishing interiors. As you would expect, no job is too large or too small—the tattoos on his arms depict two long zippers, unzipping a world of bricks and gears and construction items.

He named the business Soldier’s Construction. He now employs seven others and hires vets whenever possible. Four of the seven on his current crew have served.

Childhood experiences have proven useful in his post-deployment experience. His mother, Sonia Huntzinger was extremely involved in the Lehigh Valley Chamber of Commerce so he grew up meeting people, learning how to run a business and was exposed to aspects of economic development in his community already as a youngster.

He selected the title of his business so people would know his background and the folks of the Lehigh Valley would support it. He credits the Chamber with being a huge influence on his business, and networks regularly at their events. He genuinely enjoys getting out and meeting people in order to grow his business.

“I learned from the military that no one wants to work for a jerk,” says Zittrer. The military, he says, demonstrated to him that there were many different ways to lead. “If I show respect and value my men, they will be loyal,” he adds.

Zittrer admits he does get frustrated at times, for no one works as fast and furious as he does. Although he gets angry at times, he rarely barks at employees.

“When I get fired up, the Army comes out. My guys are not afraid of me. I am a very positive person, but they know I don’t take any bull. All my guys are incredible,” he says. With workdays sometimes adding up to 12 hours a day, Zittrer says he likes to frequently take the crew to breakfast and lunch.

“I go to a job, I understand what my clients need to be happy; I relate that to my guys and give them the flexibility, maneuverability and freedom to take their ideas and run with them. I have faith that they will do it properly,” he adds.

One of his workers, Devon Reilly relays, “I’ve worked construction before. Working with Soldiers Construction is different.

Something about the way Brandon is able to please the customer. It gives us all a crazy level of pride and excitement. We are all deeply involved in the job. There is a lot of positive energy buzzing around. It sometimes amazes me what Soldiers Construction is able to accomplish, seeing these beautiful projects evolve from start to finish. The owners’ happy faces make it completely worth it.”

And herein lays one of the secrets of Zittrer and his Soldiers Construction success.

“Every day I get up and look at my family, my new truck, my motorcycle, my home that I built, my dog, and I appreciate everything. I am living the dream. I am filled with gratitude,” Zittrer says.

Like so many of his brothers and sisters in arms, Zittrer has seen many horrific things as part of his military service, but he has been blessed with a happy, positive, grateful attitude toward life; one that he makes every effort to impart to his crew men and his clients, hoping they will pay it forward in their own lives.



Army // Northampton

Physical wounds to the body, especially those incurred during combat, are obvious to spot and usually very challenging to treat. Psychological wounds are inherently different. Bandages and surgeries can’t treat those. Neither does self-medication with drugs and alcohol, but there are alternatives.

Northampton’s Jarrod Kahler, a U.S. Army veteran, found an alternative, an “outdoor” clinic. He is currently going there for therapy with his wife and children and finding success that the VA and his meds couldn’t touch.

The day an Afghani IED blew up under Kahler’s Humvee, it was the worst day of his life. It left him 60 percent disabled, both physically and psychologically. He experiences ringing in his ears, hearing loss, frequent and extremely painful headaches from his traumatic brain injury (TBI) as well as pain in various places in his body that includes a permanently broken wrist.

Kahler was challenged coming back to a family after living in a remote, mountain Afghan village where he washed his few articles of clothing in a sink, lived in a tent and was responsible for himself and didn’t have to converse if he felt like keeping silent.

His wife, Danielle, saw that he was emotionally distraught but Kahler said, “I felt like no one else should have to know what happened to me over there—I wanted to spare them that pain,” so like many veterans, they try to shoulder it themselves. His prescribed meds left him feeling numb and separated.

Although it is challenging for him to hold down a full-time job, with his multiple VA meetings, his therapy sessions, never knowing when a headache will descend on him, he’s working hard at it and is finally thriving in the Lehigh Valley. After three years of therapy and counseling, and getting off all his medications, the Kahlers are closer and happier than ever.

What helped to turn the corner is a recent outdoor adventure program that he and Danielle participated in. River House PA is a local non-profit catering to veterans who have experienced trauma, and their families. The event was an evening bike ride along the Lehigh Canal Trail and a nighttime paddle on the Lehigh River, called Bike & Boat. It was staged in partnership with Wildlands Conservancy and sponsored by the Keystone Wounded Warriors, another non-profit that Boyd Kahler, Jarrod’s father, is very active in.

River House PA chose the night of a super moon to stage their event, which included a stopover on an island for a campfire and sharing. The repetitive motion of dipping your paddle into the water, the calming motion of the current, the magical glow of the moonlit night, all contributed to the healing experience.

“We had a crash course in canoe safety and how to paddle,” Danielle shares. “We had to trust one another, work as a team.”
Kahler had been afraid to try paddling, with a permanently broken wrist. He wasn’t even sure if he could handle riding a bike. He had not been on one since he was a small child and had never been in a canoe, yet there he was on the Lehigh, stretching himself and pushing beyond his comfort zone, a very difficult thing to do for a veteran who suffers with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

“Jarrod was calm,” Danielle says. “We were taken from reality and forgot all about the troubles of the world. Laughter was a constant throughout the entire experience. It inspired us to learn more about canoeing and recreating in the outdoors.”

Kahler would like to go back to school to work as an interpreter for the National Park Service, but is concerned about adding more to his plate right now. Danielle would like to market her love and skill as a photographer, specializing in children.  They are also hoping to purchase their own canoe one day soon to take their family out on the river and lake.

“The only time I can really feel free and that I am not suffering with my issues is when I am outdoors in nature,” Kahler admits. “There are no stores, I don’t need money; there is no technology, people can’t call or text if I leave my devices behind. I feel very free.”

Slowly, over time, the stories are coming out and Jarrod is sharing them with his wife and father. Walking on the trails in the woods certainly helps with the release of words and stories, as does paddling a canoe and cycling alongside one another.

Since Kahler returned from Afghanistan, what he is searching for is a little peace. Laughter is an added gift. He found both while recreating with his wife. Fortunately, we have hundreds of miles of biking, hiking and water trails in the Valley where veterans can explore and experience healing. In the natural world, Kahler actually feels this taking place, holistically, and he’s healing in a more permanent way with nature’s guiding hand.

LehighValley STYLE Magazine- Nov 2014


Beating Autumn with a Stick


When we were walking around the Zemi Valley Open Air Museum in Cappadocia, Turkey, there was a ground’s worker beating a small yellow-leaved tree with a stick. We stopped in our tracks of exploring the historic dwellings in the rocks and just watched him, trying to wrap our heads’ around what exactly he was doing. He wanted to rid the tree of its leaves faster than nature would have it, so he could sweep them up and be done with it.

Be done with autumn. I have never in all my life ever felt like I was ready to be done with autumn and the season should move on into dreary November. Especially this autumn.

I have a contract with New Jersey Monthly Magazine to write a hiking story and capturing the fall colors in the photographs are of utmost importance. My editor said he was hoping for peak color in the pics. That would be nice, but we had travel plans. Choosing to travel to Turkey during the last two weeks of October was living on the edge as far as timing of peak season goes. It didn’t happen before we left and I was concerned it would happen before our return.

As our plane descended into the surrounding New Jersey countryside near Newark, NJ, I could see that every single deciduous tree had ALL of their leaves still on. The trees looked stuffed- round and swollen with fall color. Excellent. I didn’t miss it. I could get out for my two remaining hikes and Bryce could do a good job photographing. A trip to New Jersey was scheduled as soon as I could unpack and do my wash.

But the weather had other plans. Although skies were clear and the rain had passed, a ferocious wind had started up since our plane landed we and arrived home. I heard the wind roaring outside, pushing its way through the jambs of our windows and doors of our log home.

Come morning, autumn was gone. All gone. It had left in the night. It had moved on.The wind had beat the trees like the ground worker in Cappadocia with his stick. But the wind does a much thorough job.

Bryce and I traveled to New Jersey to hike the last two hikes for the story today and we were hard pressed to find any color hanging on. An occasional beech tree with its fluttering, paper-thin leaves. And a small red shrubby tree down low, that had beautiful rosy pink leaves. When I touched them gently with my finger tips to examine them up close, they all tumbled off the branches and floated to the ground like confetti. Their days are numbered too. In fact, later tonight, they will drop off too as the rains come.

I never get USED to this happening. This sudden abrupt switch when a cold November rain nails the autumn leaves and drives them to the earth. When they have held on as long as they could, when they have displayed their beauty for as many days as they could, they release their hold and drop, often all at once, overnight. I hate it. It is so sudden, so final. I like to see them flutter down like pieces of the sun, as though the forest is raining scraps of color- red, peach and golden-yellow. I like late fall to linger. So I can get used to the change that is about to occur.

Any change in life is easier accepted if it happens slowly, in stages, so we can get used to it. I had both parents die, both very young, in their mid-50’s.- one parent hung one like the leaves on the trees, and went slow with cancer; the other parent went fast with a heart attack. Guess which one was easier to accept? Cancer gave us the gift of time.

This aggressive fierce wind, beating the beautiful leaves like the man with the stick, makes me sad. Very few things in the natural world makes me sad but this does. I wanted more time.

Just One Night in Paris



It was just one night in Paris. One night to stay totally awake the entire night. It ought to be an easy thing to do in a city that presumably never sleeps as New York City. Bryce and I had a long layover from Turkey home on Air France- 15 hours. Although some orange leather reclining lounges in a dark area at the airport looked tempting to wile away the hours, not for 15 of them. Plus, I had always wanted to see Paris and couldn’t ever talk anyone into going with me. Fifteen hours was better than none.

Bryce’s GF was envious. Paris is the city of romance. She wanted to be there. Instead, Bryce was with his mother. It was up in the air how the night would go, however.

First off, we had to get rid of our luggage. Our day pack full of I pads, camera, books, snacks etc was heavy enough, let alone a heavy backpack. Left luggage closed at 9. We got in Paris at 9:30. Fortunately, they checked our bags all the way through.

Next hurdle, the train into the city. It stopped running at 11pm. We had to clear customs and find the train before 11. Done.

Lucky for me, I sat next to a sweet Parisian girl, Louise, who took us under her wing and babysat us through the process of finding the platform, buying our ticket, getting off at the right stop, and planning our night.

I bought a small travel guide to Paris at the airport with a pull-out map and circled highlights along our night’s walking route. We’d surface at the magnificent Notre Dame Cathedral, walk down the Seine hitting highlights. Get to the Eiffel Tower by 1 am to see the last light show, circle back past the Louve to the train station. Bryce and I figured that we would refuel at little open air cafes and pump up with caffeine in order to stay alert. No problem. We were psyched.



When we climbed out of the underground train station and immediately saw the magnificent lit up Notre Dame Cathedral, it was breathtaking. All along the Seine were lights and people were out in droves, laughing, talking, drinking. Boats, lit up like wedding cakes, powered up and down the river. People looked strange. They wore weird make-up, strange hats and outfits. OK, this is Paris. I really didn’t know what to expect.

We marveled at the sight, looking up into the sky at the massive cathedral and looked at one another and said, “I can hardly believe we are here. Paris. From the canyons of Turkey’s Cappadocia to here in just a few hours.” It was a bit of a culture shock.

We couldn’t get over the level of energy in the squares and the amount of people. Surely we would have no time staying awake all night long. Then it hit us. It was Halloween! Halloween night in Paris. How fortuitous! No wonder they looked strange. And they will be up all night too.

We bypassed the sights and headed straight to the Eiffel Tower. Sat under its massive structure and marveled at the light show, eating black olives out of a Zip Loc and Turkish string cheese, getting powerfully thirsty. We couldn’t find water, or coffee or anything of sustenance. It was after 1 am. Drunk young people were finding taxis back to their apartments. Bryce and I were running out of steam. We needed a coffee.



The night started out warm enough that a fleece and a raincoat was enough to keep warm. We sat on benches and rested. I pulled up my hood, thrust my hands into my pockets. I got colder. We got sleepier and more physically drained. “What time is it?” 3 am. “Let’s walk a little ways, then take another break. We walked up to the Arc de Triomphe, down Av des Champs-Eylsees to the fountains at Place de la Concorde.


We saw homeless people wrapped in plastic in corners of magnificent buildings. We sat on stoops if there were no benches, resting. I took my son’s arm for support, laid my head on his shoulder when we sat. No coffee anywhere. No cafes anywhere. It was like downtown Washington, DC after hours. Pretty, lit up buildings, traffic going by, but no signs of life on the streets. Occasionally a drunk Parisian Halloweener would come up to us as we rested and ask for something- a cigarette, a light, money, who knows what. They couldn’t speak English. I had to pee. There wasn’t a public toilet in the 8 miles that we walked. Long wet lines were everywhere on the sidewalks where the young partiers had to relieve themselves after drinking all night. We stepped in between them.

How are we going to stay awake for the next few hours? The train began running at 5 am. We had a few more hours to get through. We sat and timed ourselves, stretching out the hours, trying to reach the train station by 5.

Around 4 am we couldn’t find the cathedral and our spot to go underground. Where could it have gone? It is so huge. I looked up in the sky and saw a dark hulking shape. There it is. All its lights had been turned off. Same for the Eiffel Tower after 1 am. Show’s over in Paris at 1 am, even on Halloween. Who would have guessed.

My hips and legs were aching and feeling stiff from walking on a concrete surface and sitting. We grew so sleepy we had to take turns resting our eyes on the benches when we took breaks.
At 4:30, we went underground and sat on the bench in the breezy passage and waited, totally alone in Paris, for that first train to run and take us back to the airport. Eight miles on our feet, not a single cup of coffee. What a night it had been. Totally worth it.

It was only one night. One night to stay awake all night long. I may never get back to Paris again but it was a much better choice than sleeping away the last 15 hours. Bryce and I made a memory. One last memory with my son on his graduation trip to Turkey and that to me is most important.